Lost and found Christmas blog post...
Soundtrack: Blasé - Archie Shepp
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My challenge (to myself) for today is not to SWEAR.
In real life I'm mostly on my tod so I don't think I'll
struggle, but my inner chatter is very sweary and there's a lot of
"A*"-ing going on. Umm, you know what I mean by that right? If not
you're dumb AS.. as..as.. uhh chips?! Help!
I thought I'd pick a good topic, to make it harder//more fun.
I’m planning to talk about Donald Trump today. ::deep breath::
See, Malcolm Tucker, notorious sweary guy written by Armando Iannucci in his amazing satire of British politics The
Thick of It, is the bar by which I would measure my ability to swear in a
fun, humorous way that's enjoyable for the whole family... but I'm nowhere
close... and maybe I'm getting a bit annoyed by my lazy swearing habits. If I
want to take myself seriously as A Seriously Serious Literary Genius then I'll
need to get more inventive with language beyond adding A* as a suffix to every
phrase I utter or type.
That's what I decided rn, anyways.
Big stuff going on.
Are y'all seeing your families for Christmas?
fffff... that sssttuff!? oops. Caught myself.
Umm... STOP!
Think about what you're trying to communicate, g! C'mon. You got this. OK, OK.
::whew::
I think what I mean to say is:
"That's not for me" [[this year]]
Mom, dad... if you're reading this? First of all, stop
bloody stalking me. That's how British people talk, yep. They prefer
"bloody" as an intensifier colloquially, or at least they did 40
years ago. I've changed teams to Team GB, but in The Past. It’s not.. . .arrgg!
You’re an anachronism! Lick my tiddies you old breeders! You guys are my
number 1 fans but this blog is not for you! Hmm well, actually.. maybe you need
to hear the truth bombs I'll drop about Trump today since we stopped speaking
about politics as a family after I nearly strangled you both to death during
the first Trump presidency. Remember? On the street in Berlin?
You said Trump was "better than Hillary Clinton"?
::sigh:: Focus on common ground and those EFT tapping
exercises you taught yourself. You never liked Hilliary either? ::screaming
into a pillow::
As Americans, our recent options for president have all been
as appealing as licking the contents of a baby’s soiled diaper. We’re living in
a ‘democracy’ i.n.o. that's a nepotistic clusterfart barely
removed from the monarchist system of government we cancelled our subscription
to in 1776. How are y’all still having ROYALTY in 2024, Team GB? Catch a grip. The
UK makes me feel I’m time travelling, without drugs. Otherwise, I won’t comment
on your depressing politics because Armando Iannucci was The Closer on that
game. But briefly: No one is ordained by God to rule anything, except
me! I’m supreme ruler of this blog and likewise of my flat. Unless God was kidding about that, and how I’m Joan of Arc. But anyways,
the main problem is how we're all living in a plutocracy, innit? Joan of Arc
would have recognised that too—do the math!
Naturally I question if the particular figurehead really
matters sometimes, but c'mon to The French Riveria?! It matters a bit!
Gahhhh! Listen, I dunno if Clinton could have organised an overnight stay
at the Holiday Inn or not, or if her policies would have been bad news for you
or anyone else, BUT she had the significant advantage of not being DONALD TRUMP
going for her and that was all it would take to win my vote! *If* I
voted that year?? That might have been one of the years I was too far below sea
level with apathy and despair, politically. I don’t remember, because that’s
what apathy and despair will do to you.
I asked you if we had to repeat the mistakes of
Nazi Germany to learn that it may be dumb to let a fascist demagogue run
the country? [[twice? CHRIST]] I said Trump was a rapist and con man! You said
I was brainwashed by the Liberal Media. I said you were brainwashed by Fox
News. I got up to about 8/10 angry and had to storm off for a bit to calm down
and not do any violence. Afterwards "the rule" was put into place. No
politics. We'll only upset each other.
But I think I've matured and gotten used to the idea that
Americans prefer a proud sex offender and dangerous strongman to a woman in the
oval office.. so.. ..we could talk now?
“Trump's good for business.” K. Whatever. The economy is
important but it hasn't been working to ensure a good quality of life for the
vast majority of us in...a while...or...ever? Fuck capitalism--next!
“He's against intervening in foreign wars.” K. Umm, yea I
dunno about this one? Genuinely. There aren't easy solutions to wars, are
there? I mean, everyone could simply put their weapons down and knock it off,
ideally, but considering what we’re like? As a species? Homo Sapiens literally
translating to “buncha demented murderous morons” from Latin? Yes, diplomacy is
a good place to start. Maybe I'm on Trumps side here? But--is HE (!) our
all-star diplomat plucked from a field of 400 million people? How many of that
number are old enough for the presidency and meet our homegrown criteria? [[Remember how racists
hounded Obama, claiming he wasn't born in the USA? How embarrassing. Who gives
a flying fig anyways? Let's draft in foreign talent in 2028 if THIS is the best
we can do!]]
Even if they aren't quite 18 or able to order a beer yet, I
would elect the class president of most any US High School before Trump.
Though, I would like a choice between 8-10 teens in an election held after
debates on policy. The president has guidance from aides and access to experts
who can contribute to decision making so I'd really only be assessing for critical
thinking skills and vision, values, aims. What teens lack in political nous or
life experience they can learn on the job. I trust an 18 year old valedictorian
to be socially conscious, ambitious, but also to LISTEN more than an unhinged, crooked,
millionaire maverick who may or may not agree to our traditional peaceful
transfer of power after his constitutionally limited 2nd and FINAL term ends..
. . .. Do you hear me, Trump?! You better not try to pull a Putin!! Make
yourself King of America forever!! So help me God… Joan of Arc famously killed
no one but I’m already playing against type this lifetime!
Can someone please assassinate him properly? What are you
useless beta-cuck liberals doing for target practice? If you’re going to take
aim at Trump, make sure your gun club uncle Bob has shown you the ropes, or
join the military for a bit, mebbe!?! Sniper division! Train for as long as you
need to, then come out as gay or trans or bisexual or whatever you’re not
supposed to tell them, cos the military is scared of The Gays. Lol.
Omg, you flunking would-be assassins: Did you lead the target? Check the wind direction? Calculate the bullet drop due to gravity over the chosen distance? Did you commit 1000% to looking exactly like a bush if you were gonna hide in some bushes? I DIDN’T THINK SO, YOU GALLOPING BRONTO!!! In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost!! Trump might be in a Popemobile soon if you fumblers keep missing!! Covid was apparently our best chance to get him! Yes, the viral menace with under a 5% case mortality rate at its peak in 2020!! Suffering Mary of Bethlehem, y’all are so cringe!!! I’m not much of a witch yet, but at least I understand physics!!
Ugh.... I mean, NO. You're better than that, g. You said in
a previous blog post that "you care equally about everyone," even
murderers and pedos! No one is disposable, right?? "Invest in people"
Blah blah. "Abolish prison"-- are you insane? Currently? No.
Obviously "abolish prison" is blue-sky rhetoric meant to inspire us
to develop alternatives, not necessarily a practical step to be implemented immediately.
But listen to yourself talking to yourself you daft butt plug!! Did you mean
what you said before—or not!? Surely the set of "all
people" includes Donald Trump. The guy has friends and family. He is
a human being and not an animatronic robot from space that
aliens sent down to spice up the season finale of "Earth: Live",
their most popular ever reality//comedy//romance TV series? Surely not.
He's A Person. Yadda yadda.. Lets count backwards from 10 and take
it all back about assassinating him? He'd become a martyr for the right-wingers and
it wouldn't help.
Alright...
10..9..8.7..6...5..4. ... .. more years!!??? AHHHHH ...
3..2.1. ::gulp::
OK. I feel ready to try again.
I'm sure Trump and I have things in common on a personal
level, even if we don’t see eye-to-eye politically. For one, I was shocked to
discover we shared almost the same McDonalds order: Filet 'o fish + Big Mac,
but no malted shake for me. Why is this in the public interest to know
about either one of us?!?! IDK g, let's not think about the decline of
journalism or your blog rn. Anyways, to my credit, I no longer eat that sh.. ..
uh.. I now make more socially responsible food choices by 96% avoiding Mc
Donald's entirely and 4% ordering the Veggie Burger and an Oreo Mc Flurry
instead. Or just the Fillet 'o Fish x 2 sometimes! Do fish really have
feelings and hopes and dreams too? Less so than cows, surely?! Assuming my medal is in the post? C'mon--what gives?! I'm beating Trump on McDonalds now, at least, riiight?
We all crave recognition, on some level. Me and Trump. I’m
sure both of us patting ourselves on the back or hoping for a "nice
one" occasionally is just human? But it's silly, right?
Trump and I are both silly and human, probably—83% convinced, 17% letting it
ride on my alien TV show theory—but only one of us has ever been named Time
Magazine's "Person of the Year". Only one of us has any real sway on
world events. Only one of us will soon have access to the nuclear codes… again!
Wheeww boy, it must be some buzz! Being president of the USA would be cool as
nuclear winter, eh? Did y'all notice I'm getting better at not swearing?? I
did. Nice one, g. Impressed with you buddy, keep it up!
GAH!!! Am I mad because Trump's winning? No.
no, no. You don't need your name in the Blogging Hall of Fame that totally
exists, g. You're always the Person of the Year in your own book. You've always
said you'd hate to be famous. Better slow down with distributing your genius
online. Make people pay for it at least. But let's deal with Trump today, pro
boner. You're qualified since you acknowledge that you're
basically the same guy. Hey, are you speaking to yourself in 2nd person a lot? Is
that normal? Nevermind. Focus.
Can someone, anyone... please help Donald Trump find a new
hobby? Changing his heart and ‘mind’ would be harder. Though ideally... yes..
let's do that for him too. Exclude no one from the circle of love. But firstly,
get Trump to step down from the presidency by any (nonviolent) means necessary.
Could he get addicted to fly-fishing, or something? It's true I don't wanna
hurt him. He already likes golf. That's better anyways. Fish probably do have feelings, gahh. Let’s start
with golf. Let Trump win ALL the golf tournaments--worldwide--forever. Who
gives a bacon roll if golf is rigged?? Least of our concerns. This whole world
is rigged. It’s an overflowing trashcan of corruption, duplicity, exploitation.
Let's use our talents for The Good. Have Trump crush Tiger Woods' records, or
whoever else was ace at golf and sleazing before. Idk who?? Do I look like a
geriatric toff, you clam!?
How could we pull it off? I dunno!!!! The CIA could figure
out the details?!!?? Or, DUH! ::snaps fingers:: I got it--A.I. golf balls that
Trump doesn't know are winning for him! That literally took me 2 seconds to
dream up and we definitely have the technology. Have him get some training from
a *special coach* first so it's believable for him too. Put him through a
montage!! Like Rocky. We've got time. He's not due to be sworn in
until January 20th. Oh... a montage won't be necessary, you don't think? Yea,
probably not. He already believes his skills are unparalleled, no matter how
that view aligns with consensual reality.
What on God's green earth has the CIA and NSA been up to?
Stop resting on your laurels and PROTECT AMERICA! PROTECT THE NORMS AND VALUES
OUR COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON!! [[some history, dear reader: remember slavery?
genocide of indigenous people? ...]] Do I have to do all the legwork for you
spooks? GET OFF MY BLOG, OR HIRE ME!!! What are you paid for?!! Harassing
whistle-blowers and dissidents? Come at me bros!! I'm ready. I was barely
online until about 5 days ago.
Could being a rich, old golf champion of the world 🏆
be enough of an ego stroke and distraction for Trump to voluntarily step aside?
He can't *love* the grunt work of being president. Reportedly he struggled to
engage with all that the first time around. I want everyone to do what they
love in life. Abolish work, Trump! Live your dreams. Be a golf
star and you'll have enough money to continue luring women into your lap
indefinitely, I'm sure. No need to expend effort on sexual assault at your age.
You'd be *all set* and remain a 5-star celebrity for life as you win golf
tournaments from a wheelchair, well into your 90s. Isn’t one of the golf
tournaments called “The Masters” or something? You’d be into the White
Supremacist bulltripe that surrounds golf, wouldn’t you? Meanwhile we
((society)) can chip away at your toxic beliefs and worldviews indefinitely
since they're undeniably out there whether you're participating
in politics or not.
Trump... ff..fff... ahhhhAHH.. I never thought I'd say this,
but I also never thought I'd believe in God on the odd occasion as an adult, so..
FINE. It's true. I LOVE YOU ❤️ DONALD J. TRUMP. ❤️
In theory, I do. Putting my J. Christ hat on rn. Yes, even though you’re a dangerous, hateful numbskull, Trump. It’s
out of love for you and everyone else that I want you exiled to the world of
golf, since there isn’t much harm you can do there. Ethical witchcraft, as
always. I AM YOU, TRUMP. I SEE MYSELF IN YOU when I want a medal for eating
McDonald's less ((& altering my order!! lets. not. forget. that. too.)). I
am you when I blog self-importantly. I am vain and want to feel like
influential Big Stuff too by saying "what everyone's thinking" and by
having the best opinions and ideas and taste in everything all the time.
We all want to be a beacon. You can be a beacon for golfing excellence. Put down politics. Explore your other interests Trump, or discover new
ones. OMG TRUMP WAS INTO BLOGGING TOO. FUCK. I mean: "that is
harrowing information to discover". It’s like someone poured hot sauce straight into
my pussy. That’s not a swear. It’s just a vulgar image. I didn’t say I
wouldn’t be allowing those today. Trump's blog was called "Beacon of
Freedom." Christ. Rapture me immediately? Truly we are living in a
post-truth, post-meaning, post-society society now, aren’t we? Shuddup, idk?
Insert insightful cultural criticism later here:
....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´
............\..............(
..............\.............\...
“Washington Post: Trump ends blog after 29 days,
infuriated by measly readership”
“Upset that it was being mocked for low traffic, Trump
ordered his team to put the blog out of its misery [[June 2, 2021]]”
I'm gonna try to last longer than you, Trump. I'll
need to stop posting at my current rate or try writing LESS. My readership is me and roughly 3 other people, as far as I know, but I'm having fun with it.
C’mon Trump, isn’t there anything that could convince you to ditch politics?
Back-up plan: become An Artist, Trump. You’ll love it, even if
you haven’t tried yet. Your precursor--Hitler--was an artist, but he spent too
much time on politics. Don’t repeat his mistakes. Commit to your art fully,
Trump. Finger-paint with faeces to overcome your germ OCD and write a memoir
about it. People love that cow-pat. Spooks: pay off celebrities he admires to
buy his dung//art. It’s a silly as Santa idea, but I’m at a loss. NSA
foot-soldiers... you'll have to trawl some other blogs for ideas, or check Trip Advisor. This
feels like a bad acid trip we’re all on...
What am I a beacon for? Look, I'm just shining my light on
the human experience I'm having. I'm pointing it towards the things I love. I
love all kinds of things, but the aperture on my beam is limited. You'll find
out as we go along. If I think of something better to do, then I'll do that
instead. I wish we weren’t in this situation, but I love Trump for how he
challenges me to think about how to have hard conversations with people I know
and love, as well as with those I don’t know yet but want to reach out to
anyways. We’ve all gotta live together and be good roommates at least. I don’t
want us to be at war. So--knock it off, eh?
Mom, dad, I promise to come home for Christmas next year if
I can. You know I’m only dodging you this year because I saw you twice in the
last two months and I’ve got my hippy dancing thing to go to. We don’t have to
talk politics. It does feel pretty pointless. There’s more to life. I dunno if everything is political?? Some other guy said that. What I’d say is: everything is everything, innit? I’m mostly pre-
or post-words but I'll still vote LOVE, every time. QED Earthlings. Merry Christmas
<3 g
No comments:
Post a Comment