Math rock

I owe 38% of my blog content to Terrance Howard's 1 x 1 = 2 claim, so it feels silly not to share his thesis with you. It's a fun read for anyone. I like admiring it as a piece of art. Maybe y'all will too. It contains some memorable quotes I'll let you discover for yourself. For a serious discussion of the maths in it have a google or see my previous post "6.4 = makeout". Neil de Grasse Tyson even made a video about Howard's knee slapper. The assertion had to be taken seriously, I guess. Pseudo-scientific bullshit can be a dangerous problem in society, unlike artists waffling pish about their art. Love you guys still. Taking notes.

A second year pupil I once taught also knew about Terryology and told me how he'd read Howard's thesis and saw right through it straight away. Wee dude was whip-smart and he liked reading journal articles in his spare time (too). I don't retain any information I read myself; I'm only in it for The Journey. I worry about developing dementia, but let's try to forget about that. On the other hand, this kid was super knowledgeable about all kinds of stuff, and he had interesting ways of thinking about problems I'd give him. Very non-standard clever approaches. It was hard to challenge him. He didn't get the best grades, but I'm sure he was one of the strongest mathematicians I've ever taught. Motherfucker was 13 years old and living it up on JSTOR and ResearchGate. At age 13 I was picking my nose and wiping my boogers onto the underside of school desks. Now I use my socks. I'll always be a work in progress. 

Presumably because it couldn't pass peer- review, Howard published his thesis on Twitter. I've started following him on instagram to see what he's thinking and to read the comments people post on his output. He's written a new manifesto. The first time I stumbled across it I thought it was--omg, lmfao--someone else mercilessly taking the piss out of him. But nope, it seems to be his own handiwork. I laugh, but I love Howard. We do have lots in common. His manifesto has serious "g starting to blog" energy. Like him, I briefly considered becoming a Jehovah's witness, and I too want to make the world a better place. It was wrong of me to call him 'psychotic' when that's not something I'm qualified to diagnose in others. Who knows where his inspiration comes from? Terry's been through a lot of tough shit I can't imagine, and I really admire him as a person who's trying hard to learn from mistakes on things that count. ((Not maths)) Enjoy the hallucinogenic journey that is maths//science with Terry. 

Funnily enough, I haven't heard much/any(?) math rock I enjoy. I'd like to change my mind, but it's all been very "turn that shit off" to me so far. Instead,  here's a link to an awesome mathy, jazzy, noisy band: 16-17. Their music *is* hard to find, so I'm linking to a sick album on bandcamp I used to have on CD and blast in the car, as well as whatever I can find on youtube. You're gonna love them, or you can get in the sea. They make music that makes sense to me, which is one way I find them 'mathematical', and I'd love dancing to all their shit. I'm diagnosing 16-17 with genre tag: "psychotic jazz//noise".

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I'd like to take a highlighter to Terry's thesis to make it more beautiful, but you're being spared the visual assault since it's in image files. I don't wanna comment any further. You decide what to make of all that//this. Here are words from people on instagram:

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Here's a poem you may have read, unless it's only popular in North America? It's widely credited to a Canadian high school pupil who committed suicide shortly after giving it to their English teacher, but it's unknown if they wrote it themselves or found it. I came across it when I was 14 or something and I never forgot it. I think about all the kids when I read it; I think about all of us.

HE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THINGS, BUT NO ONE UNDERSTOOD

He always wanted to say things but no one understood.
He always wanted to explain things but no one cared.

So he drew.

Sometimes he would just draw and it wasn't anything.
He wanted to carve it in stone or write it in the sky.
He would lie out on the grass and look up at the sky and it
would be only him and the sky, and the things that needed saying.

And it was after that, that he drew the picture.
It was a beautiful picture.
He kept it under the pillow and would let no one see it.
He would look at it every night and think about it.
And when it was dark, and his eyes were closed, he could still see it.
It was all of him and he loved it.

When he started school he brought it with him.
Not to show anyone, but just to have like a friend.

It was funny about school.
He sat in a square brown desk, like all the other square
brown desks, and he thought it should be red.
And his room was a square brown room like all the other rooms.
It was tight and close, and stiff.

He hated to hold the pencil, and the chalk, with his arm stiff
and his feet flat on the floor, stiff with a teacher watching
and watching.
And then he had to write a numbers.
And they weren't anything.
They were worse than the letters which could be something
if you put them together.
The numbers were tight and square and he hated the whole thing.

The teacher came and spoke to him.
She told him to wear a tie like all the other boys.
He said he didn't like them and she said it didn't matter.
After that they drew.
He drew all yellow and it was the way he felt about morning.
And it was beautiful.

The teacher came and smiled at him.
"What's this?", she said.
"Why don't you draw something like Ken's drawing?
Isn't that beautiful?"
It was all questions.

After that his mother bought him a tie and he always drew
aeroplanes and rocket ships like everyone else.
And he threw the old picture away.
And when he lay out alone looking at the sky it was big and blue.
And all of everything, but he wasn't any more.

He was square inside and brown, and his hands were stiff,
and he was like anyone else.
And the thing inside him that needed saying didn't need saying anymore.

It has stopped pushing.
It was crushed, stiff.
Like everything else.

finding my calling

Guys I'm not even shitting you. 

I think I want to make what I'm calling "colour block art"

This is my. .. guys... I think I found my calling. 

I know what you're thinking (?) 

g, that's already been done! 

By some guy... uhh... like, Mondrian, or... is there another guy? I dunno.

Are you impressed I know the name of at least one visual artist? I am. Lol. 

Yea, yea. Everything ever has been done already. Progress is a myth. Humanity is on its 89th rotation of going around the merry-go-round of everything, or something. Idfk. I think that's what Nietzsche's eternal recurrence of Twin Flames was about. Big N. cribbed his famous idea from the stoics but I don't think he's a hack, no! Sacrilege! Nietzsche gets a pass for plagiarism. He went crazy. Probably the stoics visited him in visions. Or--everything had been done by then also. Originality is donkeyshit. That's surely been said! Stop trying so hard, you slime sandwich. Gahh!!! Do you understand the meaning of EVERYTHING? 

Ok, Ok... I've never read Wilde, but he and big N. sound like my soul brothers too, based on that article. C'mon: “My life is like a work of art.” --Wilde, or me? “Body and soul, I am more of a battlefield than a human being” -- Nietzsche, or me? "Nietzsche and Wilde were great lovers of life"--NO WAY ME TOOo! Surely all creatures are soul brothers, but these guys are my top tier souls I'll be kickin' it with in the afterlife.

Did you know O. Wilde gave my blog a 5* rating? God told me--duh! It doesn't mean much since ratings are kinda bullshit--42% BS at least--and I haven't met Wilde to vet him. However, after reading about how he's awesome like me... I kinda can't wait! Sounds like I've got a BFF to discover in Wilde. Yea, yea, I'll wait for a natural death--don't worry. I'm kinda stoked, is all. I'll watch YouTube videos about Wilde's books until I get there. Reddit will pick my Wilde Adventures for me.

Umm.. At least it's not Yelp, OK?!! Ooops.. .. talking about Yelp carbon dates me back to the 80's?? SOOOO!? It's not a secret I'm *young at heart* AND hahahaa... I'm already trying to DATE CARBON!! I SAID I WANTED TO "SWIPE RIGHT" ON GRAPHENE, remember, oooommgggggg. Spitting gold, Dr. G!!! Alchemist level witchcraft on jokes, rn. Shite-->14 🥕 Au. Ha! How well do you know your periodic table? These newcomers need to catch up with my blog, eh?

"It's educational and kind of safe" --ME!!! 

That reminds me... the film WILD TALES is brilliant and funny AF. Hard recommend. I've included a link to help you bozos find it but DON'T read about it first or you might spoil some stuff. You'll love it--trust Dr. G.  

"Dr. g"... wtf are you on about?! Are we just gonna.. .. . ha... you genius. .. yea, why not? But shut up about films and some guy you've never met. C'mon, you don't believe in a soul, ya spoon! It's a figure of speech, at best. Pathetic nonsense at worst. Clinging to hope in the face of oblivion. Spiritual guru shite! Let's review: You're NOT going to become a shaman, OK?!!? Stick to your day job. Demons from Greece are bullshit. You don't need evil eye jewellery to ward them off and you have enough of those penis totems for protection. Omg, you hardly even drink beer anymore. What's your cover story for THIS?! Does that look like a reasonable number of bottle openers to have in our LiViNG RoOm?

We cancelled your subscription to Shaman School, you psychotic fruit bat!! There. is. no. soul. dum-dum! There's no 'you' that continues on into an 'afterlife'. You WON'T be haunting the cucumber building in London!! You're NOT going to Hogwarts!! It's not real, idiot. The dead do NOT speak through you or to you and you won't be "kickin' it" with anyone when you die, cos we're all just gone! While we're here: God doesn't prank you--you're pranking yourself!! You gave yourself 5* cos you're learning to validate yourself. That's the only thing you got right. FFS! Sorry... I hate to tell you so bluntly--but--your mind is full of deranged trash!!!

Oh yea? 

How do you account for there being a forklift operator in the back of my skull?

Look, that guy's hourly!! He's not "a soul". He's you, in miniature. He's keeping an eye on things, is all. You space out a lot! 

Soo... when I die, I assume he'll be clocking off too, rather than doing unpaid overtime?

Bet!

Fair enough.

...that's what I'd do.

Now, my understanding is that Mondrian was obsessed with primary colours, and he painted. I'm obsessed with... myself... and I'm learning how to use a computer. I'll write the placard of bullshit for this piece afterwards, as is customary in The Arts. I only need to have a vague mission for now. It's important to me that you understand this is my own original idea. This is my 1 x 1 = 2 moment. 

We've established that Nietzsche borrowed from the stoics and other people believed 1 x 1 = 2 before Terrance Howard. Mainly people under 5 years old, but no matter. Howard was the only one to write a thesis and present it to the world, boldly swimming against the stream of common sense and mathematical discourse that predated him by approximately 4,469 years. 

No I didn't make that figure up. I googled "when did maths start" and then added 2500BC + 1969, the year of Howard's birth. Of course, this measurement feels unsatisfactory for too many reasons to name. For one, I am now curious at what age Terry first encountered the one times table. Furthermore, I am digging into this 2500BC figure and wondering about the 'origins' of mathematics. Like, was there ever a time with humans without maths?! Doubt it. AAAAHHH. STOP! I am a scientist in recovery, and if I let myself go down the rabbit hole, then... I'll write another 10 pg blog post. [[Edit: had a relapse guys, send thoughts n prayers]]

Today... I am reinventing DIGITAL colour block art. End of. 

You're about to see my thesis!

I don't know what came before me, and I assume nothing will follow me, because I'll be the closer on the artform. I'm feeling as brave as Terrance Howard and I'm drawing inspiration from ROBERT WYATT - END OF AN EAR to create today's piece. It was an oversight that I left E.o.E off my "music for fucking everything" list yesterday.

End of an Ear feels pretty 'zany jazz' to me. I dunno wtf Wyatt was up to, but I am a fan. Funnily enough, I didn't feel I needed to hear anything else from Wyatt after I heard this album, but I'll maybe try his other stuff someday. Is that odd? That's the kind of album this is. E.o.e. was the closer on Robert Wyatt for me, before any other contenders had a chance. [Edit: I like Soft Machine, obviously, because I'm not a total philistine...their records are fun played at the wrong speed--pro tip] 

My memory of the first time I met E.o.E. is of a late night smoking blunts in a record label guy's living room in Philadelphia, on tour with a friend's band. Record dude put on Wyatt's album and my mind melted into a puddle that started reflecting the ceiling back to me. Conversations swirled around me, but I wasn't in them anymore. I was the ceiling. All I could do was abruptly excuse myself to lie flat next to the speakers. That kinda behaviour has never been unusual from me, and it's widely tolerated by other weirdos//stoners. Love you guys. 

The album is aptly named. I live for albums like this one--the ones that instantly changed my life. There was a me before End of an Ear, and there was a me afterwards, and we were NOT the same guy. I guess that's true from every instant to the next, isn't it? But you know what I mean. I was suspicious of the furniture afterwards. I saw a portal in every reflective surface. My hands looked too small. You know what it's like, or you will soon. Hopefully I've not talked it up too much now. This blog post is my love letter to E.o.E.

I'd advise you to listen to Wyatt with headphones on, close your eyes, and let yourself be transported. E.o.E. puts me in a trance. I only want to lie still, drink in the sounds, and feel like stardust floating in the universe. If you've got some weed, it won't hurt. Because I was thinking about Philly, I'm also including this sledgehammer of an album from a Philly band I love: BARDO POND - LAPSED. Hope you enjoy :) 

Here is my 1st 2nd masterpiece. Almost forgot about the one I spit out 24 hours ago. At this rate I'll need an agent soon but I'm DIY til I die so I made a professional email account and I'll do my best to manage enquiries myself. I'd love to hear from you if you're interested in my art. Turns out the honorary doctorate won't be necessary since I'm pulling an Anna Delvey. 

Pound sand, GSA.

Dr.FantasticArt.GSA@gmail.com

((yes, I have now pissed on it first))

(((Edit: I forgot decided it was unnecessary to put the "g" in my new email address since I'm GSA's preeminent scholar of "Fantastic Art")))

Thank you.   ::bows::

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"The artist's use of space in this piece looks like they got distracted and didn't finish captures the desolation of the Icelandic tundra they astral travelled to in 2023 to probe the relationship between physical geography, faith, and our inner mental landscapes. The use of dots to represent each week of the average human's lifespan reveals the stunning brevity of our time on earth and raises questions about global inequality. The artist also dares us to ask: Can we survive our own death? Are genius and madness inextricably linked? In the same vein as Mondrian and Klein, colour choice here is deliberate and symbolic, expressing the artist's desire to touch the divine essence of the sea, earth, and sky.  Digital technology was used to reproduce quantum entangled shades of the visible light spectrum between 530--420 nanometers, signifying how humanity is linked as soul brothers united by invisible forces through our appreciation of beauty in the natural world."

Idk guys. I tried. Only got my doctorate today. I recognise that I need some help here. Idk what kind. Open to advice. Maybe digital colour block art isn't my calling, after all. I'm such a dabbler. All I can say for sure is that I'm currently pretty into blogging my silly thoughts and sharing stuff I like with you.  

-Dr. g

PS- The global average lifespan was higher than I expected. Were you surprised too? Note to self to slag statistics soon. Jk, I love stats. Our world in data (link above) is a cool website to check out.

"Fantastic Art"

Here's an example of the kind of thing I wish I'd made by now:

SONNY SHARROCK - BLACK WOMAN

Sonny Sharrock is one of my favourite guitarists ever, hands down. The textures in his playing and the raw emotion... muahh! Cultural critic's kiss! This collaborative effort with his wife Linda Sharrock, who does incredible vocal experimentation on the album, is one of my favourite albums of all time. The drummer and pianist make a beautiful contribution, too, OK? Sorry guys I dunno who you are but.. .. Nice One! 

Merry Christmas!

PS-- Having covered in my previous blog post how wanking//art are essentially the same thing--playing with yourself for fun--I feel like I ought to mention the following. Close your eyes if you're scared of sex. 

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Do you guys have albums you like to listen to for fucking? They're all good, mostly. I mean, I wouldn't put on Christmas Tunes. Dunno. On a day like today, I'd maybe make an exception. I'd pick JAMES BROWN - FUNKY CHRISTMAS. But I don't have like... a special playlist.. .. nah... there isn't a dedicated section in my record collection, which is organised by genres I've made up myself. There is no "genre tag" = music for sex//wanking, is there? HA! Of course not! 

No music or silence is ideal for me too, since music can be a distraction. Another plug for Bose noise cancelling headphones incoming. I should leave a review on their web page, eh? Someone go copy/paste for me: "Amazing for anxiety and wanking." I haven't tried them with a friend yet, but maybe now I've come out as autistic, the next person I bed will make allowances for my special needs: good music, the sound of you enjoying me, or noise cancelling headphones! Flip a three-sided coin! I don't care!

No, there's no "music for fucking" genre, but we all know some albums or types of music are more conducive to setting the mood than others, right? How many of you cunts are "ambient" shaggers??? God I hate you so much! Jk, you're acceptable... I guess. But where are my Stooges fans at? Can we listen to FUNHOUSE while we're in the pleasure palace, pls? Guitars make me wet. SABBATH. LED ZEPPLIN. There's some killer drum solos in those albums. Imagine what we'll do to each other during those? Probably I'm more of a Jazz guy overall though, if I had to pick one "genre." Thanks be to God--I don't!!

Fucking could be a fun democracy where you get an album pick and then I get a pick if you like good music ((I'll decide if you're qualified)), but otherwise I prefer a dictatorship where I get 2 picks and you get to be the lucky fool in my bed. How bout them apples?? SILVER APPLES--YES--why not? Cool album. I'll try it out and see if it's worth including on my fucking//wanking playlist top 10 oscillator albums playlist. Lay down or stand up and count your blessings! I'm flexible on what poses you wanna try submitting to//admiring my greatness in. I'm flexible in general--I'm a dancer, duh! Ha. I think as of now this blog has become my dating profile, btw. I'm not a loser who needs to make one of those. 

Granted, the tone in this blog post is a little "tinder" for me, cos I'm really more "OK cupid". Yes, I'm looking for serious compatibility indicators and I'm a relic from the past that almost no one would pick as their top choice, except as the butt of a joke. I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST JOKE I'VE EVER WRITTEN??? YASS. It reminds me, the film Cruel Intentions is based on an awesome book by some french guy ((::googling::))--something-frenchLaclos! It's written in the form of an exchange of letters between the characters, which I love. Read it if you're able to read books, unlike me rn: LES LIASONS DANGEROUX. Yes, I spelt it wrong cos I'm uncultured. Total transparency and IDGAF energy today, g. I do know how to make a roux--not to brag--but to brag. It'll be 50/50 high-brow/low-brow if you date me and I'm half serious about everything. You'll figure it out someday, maybe. Buncha r*tards. 

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Fuck. Sorry. I really like that word cos I grew up with it and I've always found it fun as an insult, as a collector of insults, but... . I've half-censored and crossed it out for a reason, k. It's out of my vocabulary now, at least in public spaces, ditto the word sp*z. Goddamn it--I'll miss you both! I've always applied them to myself first and foremost, however I'm aware they're very hurtful words. I'm not intellectually disabled ((supposedly)), so it seems uncool and irresponsible for me to throw them around casually cos "maybe it's OK" according to a minority of people on Reddit. That's my verdict.  Sometimes having fun with words gets the better of me, but if you want to know my feelings about the notorious n-word, then you'll have to read my book. Nutshell: I've always hated racist slurs since the racism in America is grim. Black people can do what they want--no notes. White people: I don't care if it's "to tell a story", or you're reading a shite ancient book aloud, or if it's for "your art." Just.. lose the n-word and all the slurs? That's how I feel, anyways.

We whiteys can't imagine how tough racism is, for those born into it. Patti Smith's song Rock n Roll n-word tried to link the word to different 'outsider' experiences and she said she wanted to reclaim or reinvent it, but she's never been touched by racism. It was the 1970s then. That song has recently been taken down from many online platforms. I think that's dumb, but I deffo think the song sucks and we can critique her use of the word. While we're here... Jerry Sadowitz, you're failing at both comedy and magic. Was the magic supposed to be ironic also? ::sigh:: Irony is dead bro--it's 2024. 

I took up an opportunity to go see you because I think you mean well, your content isn't online, and I'm a edge-lord fan of free speech myself. You're my "faces of death" for comedy that I was curious to see, but ultimately you bored and disgusted me without tickling me much. No, I'm not saying you shouldn't be allowed to do your thing, but folk are allowed to have opinions on your art too. People won't go to your shows if you're not funny. Venues can choose not to book you if they think you're shite? Has Netflix 'cancelled me' because they turned down my offer of providing them with a comedy special? No. I think not. You have one week to reconsider, Netflix, or I'm going to HULU! 

OK Jerry--you've been criticised widely and blackballed from *some* events for racism, sexism, and homophobia since you say a buncha offensive stuff for 'your art'. Don't say people "aren't listening" to how clever you are. Ickk... that's something *I* would say?! Just... maybe stop saying the n-word, the p-word, etc. and WRITE BETTER JOKES, if you can! The content about Palestine//Israel was decent, but you didn't say much with the rest. You're playing a character--we get it--it's still pants! You're skewering an easy target. Aping fringe racists, sexists, and homophobes isn't interesting and they've mostly rendered satire pointless. Hopefully not many people are listening to them. Or do I live in a bubble? Probably I do. Yea--deffo. Do you? 

You accept not all your fans get your act, and you say that "doesn't matter" to you? As artists, there's a limit to how responsible we are for how others interpret our art, sure. But I'd be worried if I made your content and saw how some people (don't?) interpret it or maybe they do but still feel drunk and giddy to hear you saying the outrageous things you say. I was mainly disappointed by how unfunny you were, but the way it was supposed to be 'shocking' left me cold. From the balcony--observing it all. A man beside me leaned over and tried to engage me at one point, so obviously enjoying your boorish behaviour in a way I didn't... I can't. There wasn't much in it, for me? 

Censorship of art is A Problem, for sure. I want artists to have the freedom to make transgressive art, but I think you have that, Jerry? You do tours. Lol. If your jokes are *actually funny* then you can get away with more. Privately, with vetted friends, we can all probably safely take more risks. We should be able to joke about anything, I think, but Jerry Sadowitz doesn't hit the mark for me in how he handles his material. On the other hand, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia have done blackface and LOTS of other stuff they shouldn't, but they are funny and thoughtful enough ((by my standards)) that them being OTT *works* in context. The show has responded adaptively to criticism over the years, while staying class. I also like Bill Burr. I think he's thoughtful on toxic masculinity, though he wades in the shit too. Surely others will disagree with me on all this, and that's fine. We can talk about it as individuals, as a society? 

If my attempts to be funny fall flat or you're offended... feel free to lmk. I'll consider whatever you say. Words do hurt people. I want freedom of speech too, Jerry, but freedom comes with responsibility, and I'm not impressed by you. You're like a 3 year old about receiving feedback. Use the information to make adjustments and improve, dude. What you do is one-dimensional. Pull your fingers out of your ears. What battle are you fighting?! You're a hero for free speech? Lol. Not mine. Though you're a provocateur, for sure, and it's good to talk about the issues you raise. But seriously: catch a grip you old white man. 

I want us to keep listening and support each other to build a more inclusive society. I also think we should be concerned about freedom of expression, censorship, and protect the right for art to offend us. It's all important. I'd like more of these conversations, without judgement when people seem less enlightened than you think you are. I think I'm pretty enlightened, don't I? Nahh... I don't mean to soapbox. Hazard of blogging. I know there's a lot of fear around putting a foot wrong, and that doesn't help. What unites nearly everyone I encounter is that people want to do a good job on social issues. I've done things I now see as mistakes. For example, I didn't notice how the "attack helicopter" jokes were transphobic 6-8 years ago, so when a kid said it in my classroom I didn't address it. Yes--it seems obvious now. I was dumb, k? I'm still dumb. You're dumb too. We're all learners; let's talk it out. 

I learn from others, in real life and online, and I'm usually prepared to share how I feel about stuff. It's a small thing I can do to contribute to the conversation. Here goes: Jerry, get funny or fade into obscurity. I'd rather you dropped the slurs. If your comedy depends on them... it's not very good. I'd also advise against menacing your audiences with you dick. Keep some mystery about your junk. That's my pro-social, pro-comedy advice. 

Damn, I got sidetracked. I think this started with me talking about how I'm too crass and pervy and tempted to say naughty things sometimes. That's how I ended up here?

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I'm not TINDER, OK!! Go back to earlier posts to appreciate my range as a human, as fully expressed in this blog. I'm not a slut. My mom suggested I might be one once when I was 16 and wanted birth control, but that's cos she only gets it from my da and didn't know I was mating for life then too. My first boyfriend's still a solid gold pal, 23 years later. Love you dude. You're so badass--you're literally a rocket scientist now. Mom, love you too. Stop reading my fucking blog! There's disgusting stuff on here I don't want you//the world to know!! Look, only 3 guys have seen my pussy, mom **that I can remember ** so I'm still in the same league as Joan of Arc's 1st incarnation, even if she's at the top of the podium. 

You'd be proud of me playing hard to get, like GSA's entry rate of..... omg... googled it... 20%!! HAHAHAHA. 1/5? Wow. Expected better from you GSA--you absolute slag of an art school. Goldsmiths isn't much better: 17%. I'm making my zoom enquires directly to Oxford since it surely isn't the town bicycle. It's... Ivy League or whatever you call it in the UK? League of Future Statues?

Guys I like enough to consider dating... all 7 of you I've met so far... though hopefully more candidates incoming after this thirsty blog post... you'll be awarded a prestigious doctorate in SEX, issued by me, if you successfully pass all elements of your coursework and the final exam. How far will the qualification take you? I can't say what the limit will be, for you? There are a lot of variables involved. Mainly your dick size bank account balance personality. Rest assured, former graduates have gone on to "date up" and bag humans much more worthwhile than me. I could open doors for you. Imagine: younger solid "8's" with arts degrees, fewer mental health problems, and they *are* emotionally available? Always a popular choice. But our alumni have also found positive destinations with: Bodybuilder babes. Oil tycoon princesses. Fairies.

Where do you sign up? DM me dawg. I'll need a CV and 2 references. Don't feel bad if you get rejected; the entry criteria are self-defeating. Also, the window for applicants closes anytime I think about having to compromise on doing whatever the fuck I want all the time, as my single lifestyle permits. It kinda rules. You gotta make me an offer I can't refuse. I'm not saying you'll have to pay me. Lol. No--I believe in free education. To become Dr. _____ "Fantastic Sex" graduate of top-tier, fancy-ass G's University of Love & Fucking you'll have to study me for an indeterminate period of time---more than one date, mom!!!---before you'll be invited to complete a combination oral and practical exam. You get one resit, if unsuccessful on your first attempt. Don't tell anyone, because I'll be accused of corruption, but if I like you a lot, I'll throw out the rulebook on limiting it to 2 attempts. You want to know more about the exam? .. ..Are you.. .. studying rn? 

Don't worry, you'll be provided with the full grading rubric in advance of the test date, and real-time feedback will be given throughout the exam to improve your odds of completion, as is customary in the field of "Fantastic Sex." No, this is not merely a "Fine Sex" establishment, sir. We put student satisfaction 1st close 2nd, and our holistic approach to the artform promises to both challenge and support you mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually (select: Y/N), musically. If you have additional support needs, rest assured our examiner specialises in working with applicants from neurodivergent and/or warlock backgrounds. She holds a blue-belt in witchcraft and is a Level 7 autistic savant. 

You will be given ample opportunities to demonstrate your overflowing enthusiasm for the subject, as the examiner puts you through rigorous testing procedures over a 24hr period. Please inform us of any dietary requirements or allergies (i.e. if you are vagitarian or butt-free). There will be breaks for snax and sleeping as required. You will not be graded on cuddling, unless you have chosen it as an elective. Our graduates give rave reviews: "5/5 stars" , "the food was great" , "kind of safe" , "it was 5 stars 4 years ago, but on my recent visit... "the examiner seemed bored and uninterested" , "can I cum again?" , etc. 

Achhh, but no! Silly, g. Stretched it all too far again. 

Music-wise, if I'm at your place I'll tolerate whatever shite you put on, but don't expect I'm not going to express my displeasure and tell you to "turn that shit off" if I think it's a bad pick. I might recommend something else if you seem like a pushover, or if I wanna do combat with you for foreplay anyways. I've been told I'm "refreshingly honest" about letting people know exactly what's going on in my mind. Even if they don't wanna know. Get wrecked, babies--you're here by choice! 

So finally, jokes aside: Black Woman is a great album for wanking//sex!! Try it on your own or with a friend. I love the encouragement from Linda to free my voice and be moved by... whatever's going on... but sometimes I have found men are intimidated by either her or me. Not sure which. Y'all are scared of this album?? Of "Black Woman". Linda--you're a Fantastic Artist too! What gives, boys? HAHAHA! Men suck, innit?! Love you all, jk. You do have it rough too--like all of us. I'll either fuck other genders or be gentle with you guys and put on PHAROAH SANDERS or CARIBOU  or let you pick until you've relaxed and we know each other better. If it's me making noise you're stressed by, you can put a sock in my mouth, or your fist, or whatever else you had in mind. 

Another great recording of Sonny and Linda Sharrock

Genre tags: "music for fucking"

See also: "thirsty Christmas"

**btw the albums in this post are good for everything, all the time, you square sausages** 

PS-- Fuck you Jerry Sadowitz. Why did I write a wall of text about you? Is this what you want? 

PPS--This is fantastic art, isn't it? Did ya'll like what I did with that colour block stuff up top? I've seen worse shit at the GSA degree show. GIVE IT UP GSA!!!! HONORARY DOCTORATE NOW!!! Can't believe you creeps censored this guy for showing some ISIS videos. 

PPS-- Dan Snaith, the guy who performs as "Caribou", has a PhD in mathematics and his review of his own contribution to the field was that it was "original, but I would still call it trivial". What a great self-review. I'm stealing that. It's my review of my blog, as of now. Thank you for being here to read my trivial musings.

Ever....

Ever try to masturbate but find out you're too lazy?

Ever wake up at 1:41pm, and feel like you should go back to bed?

Ever smell your own breath and think: you stink?

Ever look inside a cockroach trap and think it looks like YOU?

Ever walk to Lidl, crying?

Ever laugh to yourself in an empty room, because you think you're funny?

Ever pay £700 for flights that cost £200 earlier and dream about sailing?

Ever email your factor about black mould, then realise you're the toxic one?

Ever jam with your pals and know they make your life amazing?

Ever give a guy your number and invite him to Kebabish for Christmas?

Ever wonder if you'll be stood up... on Christmas?

Ever think about going to church on Christmas, but then worry it won't end well?

Ever think you are your own hero? And find out that you ARE!

Ever try to make coffee, then pour boiling water on your hands?

Ever tell your mom not to call you cos you're "busy", but by "busy" you mean "blogging?"

Ever think about shooting lasers from your eyes every day since you were 5?

Ever tune your guitar to Drop C and cover Bob Dylan even though you hate him?

Ever hatefuck Dylan in your mind?

Ever start a blog 16 years ago, and return to it when you're ready?

Ever think you've peaked, but then realise you haven't yet?

***********^^^^@^^^*************

Things are looking up guys!

Genre tags: "How's it going, g?"

See also: "Merry Christmas"

Thanks Flipper & Dylan, for the inspiration... I could do that once a day every day and never tire of the prompt. Definitely I stretched it out far too long. Restraint is not my thing. I was having fun, OK?! It just felt good to keep going, even though I shot my load in the first 5 lines and within 60 sec of imagining Bob Dylan crying while I ride him and slap him around a bit.

Thought crime isn't illegal yet, is it?

See, as a renowned wanker and literary genius I knew my "Ever" lines above would have been more impactful if I'd kept them shorter. Didn't have to be trained at university to learn how to "do art", did I? I'm a natural. Art=wanking. I'd like an honorary doctorate from GSA, stat! Nominate me if you're alumni or on the board. Becoming "Dr." G would help with my credibility problem(s), even though we all know degrees in The Arts are meaningless toilet paper for the soul. I'd rather study The Dark Arts myself ((aka witchcraft)), if I could get a mulligan. Is GSA competitive with Hogwarts in that arena, or do I have to move to London... again!?

No, no... ffs. I'm 39 years old. London is for youths or dead people. When I pass over, I'll haunt the cucumber building. I won't have to pay London Rent. I'll try Hogwarts and complete my London Bucket List once I'm dead. For now, I'm upskilling myself as a witch via free content on YouTube. That's purposeful activity. On the other hand, I don't want to lift a finger for the clout and access that a useless art degree confers. Notice how I have the insane hubris of an artist already! What other qualifications are there? Can you even begin to fathom the bogus verbose nonsense I will have printed in designer fonts on placards next to my "masterpieces"?? Can you? Omg, I can. 

My pseudo-intellectual adventures in writing precede me. I am lead author "Harris et. al." -- you quoted some of my famous bullshit earlier at your gallery opening-- Yes-- *I* wrote the book on how to be a wanker//artist you bozos!! Geeze the PhD in Fine Fantastic Art already!! Don't make me get my dick out!! Some of us comedians are known for that. Not the good ones. But.. y'know.. I'm not accomplished at comedy, yet. I don't understand how jokes work, or how to write them. Art is different! Art is serious! I'm being seriously serious rn: Art Wanks, stop dangling your Turner prizes, Booker awards, Nobel prizes and the like out of my reach!??! Unless you're scared of the competition!

People who read my blog (?) You're on my team, right?!

Flush your art degree, unless I can have one too. Start a revolution! Say my name in the corridors of power of your pretentious intuitions and help me crash through the glass ceiling!! I will lead you ALL to the Promised Land of Art Everlasting as soon as GSA surrenders my honorary doctorate diploma. 2025 would be as good a time as any, GSA. Which discipline? Lol--discipline! Y'all just get pissed, drop acid, and jack each other off--be honest. That's why I'm qualified. 

I've said already "Fantastic Art" is my top choice since "Fine art" is so mid, but I'll also accept your traditional "Performance Art" or "Life Artist" title if that one exists. GSA--are you reading this now--we can negotiate the details on a zoom call if you're agreeing with me, in principle? No way am I walking up that hill! You're not sure? Don't waste my time! Wait until I write a strongly worded letter to the board, or just link them directly to this. How old were you when you learned to wank? You didn't need to be taught, did you? I think I was 3 or 4 cos I was a precocious child. It'll all be covered in my memoirs. I've got this 'art' stuff in the bag. Let me be Dr. G, distinguished "Fantastic Art" practitioner and honorary alumnus of top-tier, fancy-ass GSA, or I'm taking my talent to GOLDSMITHS! 

::sigh:: I guess I can go to Goldsmiths once I'm dead if my "negotiating a doctorate over a zoom call" idea doesn't pan out with them either. Cos it's in London, yea. Where I'll be ghosting around. What else is on my list? I haven't thought too far ahead on what I wanna do when I'm dead yet, but I'll deffo be pranking the fuck out of the Royals, duh! Mostly I'll stay out of politics; it's already spooky enough. GSA--you're still my top choice. Can you give me feedback to help me improve? Sure, good advice... . I'll think about editing my next book, or I'll draft in my wife to do that for me... but this is A BLOG! Lower your expectations! 

<3 u art bros

So, I went back to listen to Flipper's "Generic" album again, obviously. How are you NOT listening to it everyday?

Nothing new to report, I guess. I've already posted the undefeated champion, but here's more Flipper I'd listen to if I were me:

FLIPPER - BLOWIN CHUNKS

FLIPPER - GONE FISHING

FLIPPER - PUBLIC FLIPPER LIMITED

My ears got tired, Flipper. I needed a hard reset to THE BLUES, and it's a cool video:

"Serves you right to suffer. Serves you right to be alone" - John Lee Hooker

1969 JOHN LEE HOOKER TV PERFORMANCE VIDEO

& also

Sorry Bob Dylan for "everything" over the years. Congrats on the Nobel prize in poetry. If I could only read your words and not have to listen to you sing them or play music, then I think we'd get along fine. You had some great lines. Arrrghh.. guess I love you too, Dylan. In theory. I don't *get* the hype about you but it seems you gave a lot of yourself to your music and you reached so many people. Respect. I'm still gonna wind you up about how you suck, but I'll try to keep a lid on the other stuff. 

Here's a song I'd like better if I covered it in drop C: 

Bob Dylan - Rolling Stone

And randomly, cos the algorithm gifted me this gem after Bob Dylan to cheer me up, here's my favourite Bob. He was the first musical artist I ever knew, thanks to my dad. Awwww... Y'all know and love him already, but this isn't an "obscure music" blog! It's just whatever I want, k!?! 

Bob Marley -- acoustic recording

It feels strange that I've outlived Bob Marley now, since he died age 36 from melanoma. One of the greats who died young. The 27 club obviously comes to mind, too. Guess we've all gotta go someday. At least Marley's music lives on. No one will ever be able to figure out how to take this blog down when I'm dead, so I'm immortalising myself here.

I like how Rastafari say "I and I"

Though I don't know much about their beliefs, I know Marley was for One Love ❤️ 

A perfect circle

K.I.S.S. - Keep it simple stupid. I chat too much shit sometimes. 

Here's a simple shape I love so much that I want to marry it for life, maybe. Circle and I have been engaged since 2023, but we're taking our time with planning the wedding. 

Confession: I've never listened to the band KISS. Oh well. Let me know if I'm missing out? I've also never listened to A Perfect Circle.

Did you know there are competitions for freehand drawings of circles?

Becoming decent at drawing circles would be one way I could level up my celebrity status as a maths teacher, because... holy shit! Watch these guys go:

Circle drawing badass 1

"This is something I do in my spare time. I, uh, draw freehand circles" - A. Overwijk (World Freehand Circle Drawing Champion) 

Circle drawing badass 2

Circle drawing badasses @ Championship

Musically... there are many things that feel "circular" to me, but possibly nothing so much as Krautrock. Are we still allowed to call it that? Sorry Germans. I dunno what's going on anymore. I suspect using the term "Karen" is hella sexist too, even if I was describing myself. 

Germans: I know you're not all kraut-eating Nazis and I even like some of you, but this album has recordings of Hitler's speeches in it, so we need to mention The War. Dunno what to say as a Cultural Critic. Let me start by saying I'm a big fan of sauerkraut. Great work on cabbage. Hitler was a flop, obviously. What else? This is "shit sandwich" style feedback where Hitler is the shit in the middle. Oh yea, duh--I think I'd dig the autobahn and I really love your propulsive circular music that I have no other name for yet. Germany, I'd like to spend more time with you to get to know you better beyond stereotypes, but for now simply know that Ich liebe dich. No, I did NOT say "I love dick" in German just there, but we all thought it. (?) It seems like your country's history would be a lot to reckon with and that's all German Oak were trying to do. As an American... .. well you know... .. we're big fuckups on human rights also. Reckoning ongoing. I think I've said enough to drop the album:

Here's GERMAN OAK s/t

PS - I've always thought tattoos were for posers but I considered getting a circle tattoo at the base of my shaved skull while psychotic as I feel/felt spiritually connected to the shape, or I imagined I was in The Matrix and wanted to mark my "unplug" point. I'll talk about spiritual geometry another day though mebbe. Shit's wild. Lol.

I now think about having The Circle tattoo on my left thumb, since I am on the LEFT HAND PATH in life ((Entombed album callback--go listen)) and I already branded my right thumb with a cross, for Jesus. It faded quick, but the left hand is mine. I don't think I need to promote J.C. People know he's baller. Motherfucker was the original zombie; hopefully I follow in his footsteps. My next door neighbour is a doppelganger--cool word, Germany!!--for Christ and I fancy him a little. Hope he never reads this. He's seen me naked already. Lol--awkward. Good thing I'm nudist adjacent in mindset at all times. Suck it, prudes.

I'm just going my own way, Jesus. Soz pal. You're still an inspiration. I'll keep reading Kierkegaard when my head's cleared out since Nabokov recommended big K. to me. The Bible was a bit too much like Shakespeare for my taste--I dunno wtf anyone in it is talking about?!? I'm sure it's brilliant, but I'd need a guide, and I prefer to be my own spiritual and literary guru. My plan is to wait until I see another Total Solar Eclipse to decide which version, if any, of my circular tattoo designs I want. For a simple shape, I have quite a few ideas in mind now cos I'm prolific with any bullshit I get into for a minute. [[[Like blogging... cough cough]]]]

Btw, I'm mostly kidding about judging people for having tattoos... they can be cool/beautiful... I've just never felt I wanted anything inscribed on me before? It's a personal thing. There's something I like about being a blank slate I think, but I'm not overly attached to that either. I don't need to be a Pristine Condition corpse--I just never 'got it' about tattoos. I love all your scars, wrinkles, moles, and 'imperfections' people... they make you look amazing. Truly. Your tattoos I can take or leave.

[[[Important announcement: don't steal my title for your daft projects, assholes. I've pissed on it first, OK? lollll]]]

The name of my next book will be: 

"The Path of Totality"

In honor of the apocalyptic wonder of witnessing the world's Big Light go completely out. Omg. You should all try to see it. It'll blow your tiny mind. I'm going to rent a giant villa somewhere in Spain or wherever the path of totality is in Aug 2026 and you're all invited if you want ❤️ 

♾️/5 stars 🌑☀️

"::screaming, but speechless::" - me

Soundtrack: DARK SIDE OF THE MOON - PINK FLOYD 

 (((obviously!!))

I'm a Karen--Part 2

"I'm 33 years old, a responsible full-time working professional, and I enjoy cocktails but know my limits!" - me

I'm leaving the ending of my Karen saga below the line as it's mostly too cringe for further commentary. What is wrong with me? It all feels like a lifetime ago... I can't really remember any of it happening to me? Who was I then? Who am I now? Six cocktails deep into an evening and heroically standing up for CRYING?!?! Accusing bar staff of sexism later, too. Unnecessary. Who knows about that. At least I wasn't confused about if I had a gender or not since I hadn't thought about it yet. When did everything become so complicated? I was married once. I was in cocktail bars having 4 hour seshes with friends. I flew 'Upper Class' on a Virgin Atlantic flight to Hong Kong. Big thanks to Richard Branson for the adult pajamas--didn't know those existed--but more importantly thanks for creating a cocktail bar in space I couldn't legally be ejected from. I was living the life of an Ad Executive, without writing copy. And now? The homeless shelter knocked me back as a volunteer for Christmas. Oh well. I guess I could volunteer any time. Tiny violin playing for me rn & WOODIE GUTHRIE 

In my Karen letters, it looks like I was angling for monetary compensation as much as policy change and basic human rights. Who wouldn't after necking £160 worth of cocktails? Always a chancer. If you don't ask, you don't get? Nothing ventured, nothing gained? I was too embarrassed to show my face in Alston Bar for a while but eventually I went back to claim the free swag. Being a goofy asshole must be why I carved crosses on myself, prayed to Jesus, and stripped naked to go "confess" my sins to strangers in the street? My first stunt as a Christian Performance Artist. Maybe I'm continuing my confessions here. Seems reasonable. The internet is infamously such a Safe Space. You guys aren't judging me, right?

Wait til I tell y'all about the £1400 meal I had once with 26 courses in the Welsh countryside. Here's my review: "The food was great!" I think the place was called RTyyFFGiiiGFG KPPJHBeeNT cos that translates to "giant cunt" from Welsh. To be fair it was £700pp but I went with the guy I figured I'd be sharing my bunkbed in hell with. Hell is an endless capacity Hostel room for sleeping arrangements, surely. Also... do y'all know how I skipped the vaccine queue? I *did* tell people. Lol. I'd been an extreme shut-in for over a year and there was not enough Dub in the universe to keep me regulated. After exhausting every other possible angle, my research skills paid off and I found a loophole I could exploit, justifying my behaviour to myself in various ways. I drove 5 hr to Nottingham to get Pfizered 6 months before your grandma. People's insanity during Covid was A Spectrum and I was an outlier on that one (also). If you know//knew me... you know! Maybe that's enough confessing for now. Of course I also [[used to]] love... . .. drunk driving. .. .. it's an American pastime. You brits don't seem to partake much. No--I emphatically do NOT recommend or condone it--but--AHAHAHAHA! It's fun AF!! Sorry to inform you, if you don't ever get to try it out for ethical reasons. (*!*)You better not, you dumb fucks(*!!*) You're already on the wrong side of the road! %€♤£$%*~BAD PERSON ERA.~&$♧£*/÷¥$ BwwAAAHAHAAHAHAA! 

Soundtrack: DRUNKDRIVER - BORN PREGNANT

I love this album so, so, soooo much and I try to share it with everyone in case they're twisted inside too. I even mention it in the book I made cos I'm the hype man for DD. I would LOVE to have this album on vinyl. My 40th birthday is only 8 months away and it'd be a great gift for me. If any of my friends are reading this... . [[?]]... . I want a surprise party. Warning you now. I've never had one, and it's about fucking time. What if I don't live to see 50? Let my tombstone read: "listen g, you're cool, but..." Thanks, in advance. People can do write-in submissions with that as a prompt to fill the 6 x 3 foot slab I would like planted in the ground to commemorate me. Cos fuck trees.

I don't count the Kindergarten Birthday Party I had where my parents surprised me by inviting all my classmates to our house, not knowing I didn't like any of those little bastards at all and spent M--F trying to avoid interacting with them. You guys can top that. I have faith. 🙏 Pick a random date that has nothing to do with my birthday (Aug 16th) and I'll be so surprised that I'll cry probably?! Don't shame me if I do. My fragile ego can't cope. If you do this for me, then I'll throw a party *for you* on the actual day. You scratch my back, I scratch your balls, etc. 

[[*sidebar: It's dangerous now I've realised I can highlight text in different colours. I predict it's gonna look like someone spewed skittles in all my blog posts from here on out, and I'll go back to highlight silly phrases in my first Karen letter in a minute.]]

"I HOPE THIS HURTS...LIKE YOU CAN'T.. CAN'T GET IT RIGHT"

"WE ALL HAVE OUR COPING MECHINISMS"

"LIKE A REALLLLY GOOD FUCKING IDEA.. .. . NO! NO!"

"I DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER. ... ALL I WANTED WAS SOMETHING BETTER"

"THIS IS JUST MY WAY OF DEALING WITH THINGS... "

"I WANNA GIVE YOU A RED FLAG"

".. ..RAW DIRT.. . I'LL THINK ABOUT YOU LATER. .. YOU SAY I GOT A PROBLEM. ..AND YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO SOLVE IT"

"I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE A PHANTOM LIMB.."

"LIKE YOUR PRIDE IS WORTH IT!"

"SO YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WEB OF LIES ... . BLACKED OUT. . YOU FUCKED UP! I GIVE YOU RIGHT NAME! BUT THAT'S OK.. YOU FUCK.. RWAHHH!"

 "BWAAHHH HA AHAH HA I HEARD THE BAD NEWS ... IF ANYBODY HAD IT COMING.. IT WOULD BE YOU.. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A JOB?!"

"THIS IS WHAT LOVE REALLY TASTES LIKE"

"I KNOW WHAT A MAN DANCING LOOKS LIKE. OH, AND IT'S OK FOR A MAN TO DANCE.. SLOWLY SOMETIMES"

"A MAN THAT HAS NOWHERE TO GO.. . HE SPINS AROUND IN LONELY CIRCLES... LIKE A MAN DOES WHEN HE'S ALL ALONE"

"SOMETIMES A MAN DOESN'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO FUCKING GO"

"YOU LOOK LIKE A CANCER.. YOU SMELL LIKE A CANCER.. YOU TASTE LIKE A CANCER... YOU FEEL LIKE A CANCER.. . OOAAHHH AAAHHHHH RAAHHWW."

That's the transcript I was able to pull together from listening to Born Pregnant again, but I can't be sure of any of it. The point is... this guy is channelling a jeering, hateful inner voice that I feel so intimately acquainted with that it might as well be my own. Maybe you relate, maybe not. Love, love, love you... Drunkdriver. I feel safe with you in the driver's seat, and I think we're already home?

Genre tags: "heartwarming"

Their self-titled album is also cool, though it's ever so slightly more polished and I'm more attached to Born Preggers for how it got to me 1st and blew me away. Still I dunno.. I should probably give this one another listen:  DRUNKDRIVER- s/t

Interview with the band. True to their name, it seems they did rely on getting drunk AF to make their music. Alcohol must be the most harmful drug in society, and I would encourage everyone to be careful around it, but as an expert in these things [drinking to oblivion, education, music that sounds bad but awesome] I think their booze-soaked tunes are a fine example of same-state learning producing the best results. 

Fine, I'm stalling... here's me and The Manager being clowns:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi G, 

 

Although I am deeply concerned to read this feedback, thank you for taking the time to let me know. 

 

Please rest assured that I am in the process of investigating the points you have raised with the members of staff involved and I will come back to you in due course once I feel I have as much understanding of the situation as possible. 

 

Take care and I will be in touch soon.

 

Kind Regards,

J

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi J, 

Thanks for your reply.  I'm sorry it was such a strongly worded e-mail, but I was very upset over this incident.  

I'm a private and sensitive person, and didn't think it was appropriate for staff to raise becoming tearful as an issue. The emotion had passed for me, but the bartender was adamant in denying service to me or my friends.

The manner in which she spoke to us when conveying that my crying was the problem we felt was condescending, as if I deserved to feel ashamed and unwelcome in the bar. It wouldn't have been so hurtful/upsetting if she expressed concern or actually spoke to me to ask if I was OK, before making a decision, rather than jumping to conclusions. 

Thankfully your manager did have a conversation with us, and to her credit seemed sympathetic. The offer to serve us was appreciated, in principal, but wasn't going to make things right at that point.

I'm 33 years old, a responsible full-time working professional, and I enjoy cocktails but know my limits! I've never been denied service at any bar before. The amount we had ordered was not unusual for us, considering the length of time we had spent in the bar enjoying food and each other's company.  We used to regularly meet at the Alston, but this experience has unfortunately soured the appeal.

On another recent visit with my partner, I recall there was a man visibly unsteady and swaying on his feet being served at the bar. He had come in drunk and I didn't think much of it at the time. In hindsight, however, I'm contrasting it to my experience as a woman who just looked sad being denied service, and it doesn't sit right with me. 

Thanks again,

G

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi G, 

 

Thank you for your patience in awaiting my response to this - I wanted to ensure I had as comprehensive an understanding of the situation as possible. I feel I have managed to do this, to an extent, however am still very much third party so will still be a little subjective. 

 

Needless to say that should any of our customers become upset in the bar/restaurant the first instinct should be to offer support, without being intrusive, should they so wish. I am sincerely sorry to hear that this was not our first response on this occasion and please rest assured that the staff member involved has been dealt with appropriately. I have arranged some training on this too to try and prevent this happening again.

 

Unfortunately we do find ourselves in situations occasionally where customers - through alcohol - can become unreasonably hysterical which then does have a negative impact on the other customer's experience, whom we also have a duty of care for. It is then, that these kind of decisions can become difficult as we do need to consider the bigger picture rather than on an individual basis. I am, under no circumstances, insinuating that you were 'hysterical' but, rather, wanted to explain that there are often instances where a quiet tear can escalate into something much bigger. Similarly I do not think that someone crying in a public place goes hand in hand with a mental health issue - this would be a little presumptuous for anyone to assume and so although I take on board your point, I do not feel that mental health training is needed for the team in light of this situation. 

 

Further to this incident - to illustrate to you that I have taken your points constructively - I have put in place a new process when it comes to our policies on the sale of alcohol. Moving forward, should one of our line members of the team feel that it is time to refuse service this first has to be escalated to a member of the management team before an ultimate decision is made. This makes sense as it is, ultimately, our own personal licenses that would be under threat anyway. 

 

G, being a regular customer I hope that you recognise that your recent visit does not accurately convey our usual standards in terms of customer service. With this in mind, should you wish to give us an opportunity to redeem ourselves, then please let me know when you would like to return with your partner for a cocktail and some snacks on us. If this is an offer you would like to accept then I can make the arrangements for you. 

 

Kind Regards and I hope you are feeling better,

J

***Please give these service industry heroes a medal***