"I'm 33 years old, a responsible full-time working professional, and I enjoy cocktails but know my limits!" - me
I'm leaving the ending of my Karen saga below the line as it's mostly too cringe for further commentary. What is
wrong with me? It all feels like a lifetime ago... I can't really remember any of it happening
to me? Who was I then? Who am I now? Six cocktails deep into an evening and heroically standing up for CRYING?!?! Accusing bar staff of sexism later, too. Unnecessary. Who knows about
that. At least I wasn't confused about if I had a gender or not since I hadn't thought about it yet. When did everything become so complicated? I was married once. I was in cocktail bars having 4 hour seshes with friends. I flew 'Upper Class' on a Virgin Atlantic flight to Hong Kong. Big thanks to Richard Branson for the adult pajamas--didn't know those existed--but more importantly thanks for creating a cocktail bar in space I couldn't legally be ejected from. I was living the life of an Ad Executive, without writing copy. And now? The homeless shelter knocked me back as a volunteer for Christmas. Oh well. I guess I
could volunteer any time. Tiny violin playing for me rn &
WOODIE GUTHRIE
In my Karen letters, it looks like I was angling for monetary compensation as much as policy change and basic human rights. Who wouldn't after necking £160 worth of cocktails? Always a chancer. If you don't ask, you don't get? Nothing ventured, nothing gained? I was too embarrassed to show my face in Alston Bar for a while but eventually I went back to claim the free swag. Being a goofy asshole must be why I carved crosses on myself, prayed to Jesus, and stripped naked to go "confess" my sins to strangers in the street? My first stunt as a Christian Performance Artist. Maybe I'm continuing my confessions here. Seems reasonable. The internet is infamously such a Safe Space. You guys aren't judging me, right?
Wait til I tell y'all about the £1400 meal I had once with 26 courses in the Welsh countryside. Here's my review: "The food was great!" I think the place was called RTyyFFGiiiGFG KPPJHBeeNT cos that translates to "giant cunt" from Welsh. To be fair it was £700pp but I went with the guy I figured I'd be sharing my bunkbed in hell with. Hell is an endless capacity Hostel room for sleeping arrangements, surely. Also... do y'all know how I skipped the vaccine queue? I *did* tell people. Lol. I'd been an extreme shut-in for over a year and there was not enough Dub in the universe to keep me regulated. After exhausting every other possible angle, my research skills paid off and I found a loophole I could exploit, justifying my behaviour to myself in various ways. I drove 5 hr to Nottingham to get Pfizered 6 months before your grandma. People's insanity during Covid was A Spectrum and I was an outlier on that one (also). If you know//knew me... you know! Maybe that's enough confessing for now. Of course I also [[used to]] love... . .. drunk driving. .. .. it's an American pastime. You brits don't seem to partake much. No--I emphatically do NOT recommend or condone it--but--AHAHAHAHA! It's fun AF!! Sorry to inform you, if you don't ever get to try it out for ethical reasons. (*!*)You better not, you dumb fucks(*!!*) You're already on the wrong side of the road! %€♤£$%*~BAD PERSON ERA.~&$♧£*/÷¥$ BwwAAAHAHAAHAHAA!
I love this album so, so, soooo much and I try to share it with everyone in case they're twisted inside too. I even mention it in the book I made cos I'm the hype man for DD. I would LOVE to have this album on vinyl. My 40th birthday is only 8 months away and it'd be a great gift for me. If any of my friends are reading this... . [[?]]... . I want a surprise party. Warning you now. I've never had one, and it's about fucking time. What if I don't live to see 50? Let my tombstone read: "listen g, you're cool, but..." Thanks, in advance. People can do write-in submissions with that as a prompt to fill the 6 x 3 foot slab I would like planted in the ground to commemorate me. Cos fuck trees.
I don't count the Kindergarten Birthday Party I had where my parents surprised me by inviting all my classmates to our house, not knowing I didn't like any of those little bastards at all and spent M--F trying to avoid interacting with them. You guys can top that. I have faith. 🙏 Pick a random date that has nothing to do with my birthday (Aug 16th) and I'll be so surprised that I'll cry probably?! Don't shame me if I do. My fragile ego can't cope. If you do this for me, then I'll throw a party *for you* on the actual day. You scratch my back, I scratch your balls, etc.
[[*sidebar: It's dangerous now I've realised I can highlight text in different colours. I predict it's gonna look like someone spewed skittles in all my blog posts from here on out, and I'll go back to highlight silly phrases in my first Karen letter in a minute.]]
"I HOPE THIS HURTS...LIKE YOU CAN'T.. CAN'T GET IT RIGHT"
"WE ALL HAVE OUR COPING MECHINISMS"
"LIKE A REALLLLY GOOD FUCKING IDEA.. .. . NO! NO!"
"I DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER. ... ALL I WANTED WAS SOMETHING BETTER"
"THIS IS JUST MY WAY OF DEALING WITH THINGS... "
"I WANNA GIVE YOU A RED FLAG"
".. ..RAW DIRT.. . I'LL THINK ABOUT YOU LATER. .. YOU SAY I GOT A PROBLEM. ..AND YOU KNOW JUST HOW TO SOLVE IT"
"I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE A PHANTOM LIMB.."
"LIKE YOUR PRIDE IS WORTH IT!"
"SO YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR WEB OF LIES ... . BLACKED OUT. . YOU FUCKED UP! I GIVE YOU RIGHT NAME! BUT THAT'S OK.. YOU FUCK.. RWAHHH!"
"BWAAHHH HA AHAH HA I HEARD THE BAD NEWS ... IF ANYBODY HAD IT COMING.. IT WOULD BE YOU.. WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A JOB?!"
"THIS IS WHAT LOVE REALLY TASTES LIKE"
"I KNOW WHAT A MAN DANCING LOOKS LIKE. OH, AND IT'S OK FOR A MAN TO DANCE.. SLOWLY SOMETIMES"
"A MAN THAT HAS NOWHERE TO GO.. . HE SPINS AROUND IN LONELY CIRCLES... LIKE A MAN DOES WHEN HE'S ALL ALONE"
"SOMETIMES A MAN DOESN'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO FUCKING GO"
"YOU LOOK LIKE A CANCER.. YOU SMELL LIKE A CANCER.. YOU TASTE LIKE A CANCER... YOU FEEL LIKE A CANCER.. . OOAAHHH AAAHHHHH RAAHHWW."
That's the transcript I was able to pull together from listening to Born Pregnant again, but I can't be sure of any of it. The point is... this guy is channelling a jeering, hateful inner voice that I feel so intimately acquainted with that it might as well be my own. Maybe you relate, maybe not. Love, love, love you... Drunkdriver. I feel safe with you in the driver's seat, and I think we're already home?
Genre tags: "heartwarming"
Their self-titled album is also cool, though it's ever so slightly more polished and I'm more attached to Born Preggers for how it got to me 1st and blew me away. Still I dunno.. I should probably give this one another listen:
DRUNKDRIVER- s/t
Interview with the band. True to their name, it seems they
did rely on getting drunk AF to make their music. Alcohol must be the most harmful drug in society, and I would encourage everyone to be careful around it, but as an expert in these things [drinking to oblivion, education, music that sounds bad but awesome] I think their booze-soaked tunes are a fine example of
same-state learning producing the best results.
Fine, I'm stalling... here's me and The Manager being clowns:
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Hi G,
Although I am deeply concerned to read this feedback, thank you for taking the time to let me know.
Please rest assured that I am in the process of investigating the points you have raised with the members of staff involved and I will come back to you in due course once I feel I have as much understanding of the situation as possible.
Take care and I will be in touch soon.
Kind Regards,
J
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Hi J,
Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry it was such a strongly worded e-mail, but I was very upset over this incident.
I'm a private and sensitive person, and didn't think it was appropriate for staff to raise becoming tearful as an issue. The emotion had passed for me, but the bartender was adamant in denying service to me or my friends.
The manner in which she spoke to us when conveying that my crying was the problem we felt was condescending, as if I deserved to feel ashamed and unwelcome in the bar. It wouldn't have been so hurtful/upsetting if she expressed concern or actually spoke to me to ask if I was OK, before making a decision, rather than jumping to conclusions.
Thankfully your manager did have a conversation with us, and to her credit seemed sympathetic. The offer to serve us was appreciated, in principal, but wasn't going to make things right at that point.
I'm 33 years old, a responsible full-time working professional, and I enjoy cocktails but know my limits! I've never been denied service at any bar before. The amount we had ordered was not unusual for us, considering the length of time we had spent in the bar enjoying food and each other's company. We used to regularly meet at the Alston, but this experience has unfortunately soured the appeal.
On another recent visit with my partner, I recall there was a man visibly unsteady and swaying on his feet being served at the bar. He had come in drunk and I didn't think much of it at the time. In hindsight, however, I'm contrasting it to my experience as a woman who just looked sad being denied service, and it doesn't sit right with me.
Thanks again,
G
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Hi G,
Thank you for your patience in awaiting my response to this - I wanted to ensure I had as comprehensive an understanding of the situation as possible. I feel I have managed to do this, to an extent, however am still very much third party so will still be a little subjective.
Needless to say that should any of our customers become upset in the bar/restaurant the first instinct should be to offer support, without being intrusive, should they so wish. I am sincerely sorry to hear that this was not our first response on this occasion and please rest assured that the staff member involved has been dealt with appropriately. I have arranged some training on this too to try and prevent this happening again.
Unfortunately we do find ourselves in situations occasionally where customers - through alcohol - can become unreasonably hysterical which then does have a negative impact on the other customer's experience, whom we also have a duty of care for. It is then, that these kind of decisions can become difficult as we do need to consider the bigger picture rather than on an individual basis. I am, under no circumstances, insinuating that you were 'hysterical' but, rather, wanted to explain that there are often instances where a quiet tear can escalate into something much bigger. Similarly I do not think that someone crying in a public place goes hand in hand with a mental health issue - this would be a little presumptuous for anyone to assume and so although I take on board your point, I do not feel that mental health training is needed for the team in light of this situation.
Further to this incident - to illustrate to you that I have taken your points constructively - I have put in place a new process when it comes to our policies on the sale of alcohol. Moving forward, should one of our line members of the team feel that it is time to refuse service this first has to be escalated to a member of the management team before an ultimate decision is made. This makes sense as it is, ultimately, our own personal licenses that would be under threat anyway.
G, being a regular customer I hope that you recognise that your recent visit does not accurately convey our usual standards in terms of customer service. With this in mind, should you wish to give us an opportunity to redeem ourselves, then please let me know when you would like to return with your partner for a cocktail and some snacks on us. If this is an offer you would like to accept then I can make the arrangements for you.
Kind Regards and I hope you are feeling better,
J
***Please give these service industry heroes a medal***
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