Not a 5 star man anymore

 4.86 on Uber today  👹

Is this why I can't get rides now? I've only been using Uber for 7 months since I'm a luddite, but despite our short time together, I feel ready to announce my verdict on Uber today. This week I went from motorcycle hero to walking stick zero for 3 days after coming off a hog and no Uber cunt would pick me up for under £15 for a £8 value ride. What gives, Uber? I've always been a 5* human, as you'll all be aware (?) Until.. . .. .. wtf?

There's a Black Mirror episode about exactly this, and I can't even.. ..?.. 

What tf did I do wrong? When did this happen? FFS. Not today, Satan. I maxed out my Dub mixes yesterday. I simply can't believe I've done anything to warrant 4 stars or less as a passenger in a taxi recently. Did I fart or something? If I did, it was only to combat the ubiquitous sickly artificial fragrances that make me feel deathly ill.

I've written a few "strongly worded letters" in my day to express my displeasure with a situation in a way another person could understand and respond to, but never have I ever given anyone less than 5 stars online? 

Am I a Karen? 

I'm entrenched in email warfare with my useless factors and the Glasgow City Council extortionists, but I'm rarely at odds with individuals or businesses I interact with by choice? There was one time I wrote an email about being made unwelcome in a bar for having 3 or 4 cocktails and visibly--but quietly OK?!?--crying. Lol. 

This memory stands out since it's awful for me to have my feelings witnessed at all, but to be SHAMED publicly by a cocktail waitress? My therapist will never hear the end of it. Yea, she cut me off booze, and the reason was "because I was crying." No--"had been crying"--I corrected her. Past tense. Bitch. Because, see, I'd bucked up and dried my eyes and asked politely for "another Corpse Reviver 2 please?" My favourite cocktail. But the answer was still "no" and none of my friends could get served anymore either. Cringe. I'd never dreamed I'd become a cut-offable embarrassment for sniffling in a bar. My only crime: wet eyes in public? 

As a deeply sensitive guy, the server's attitude that it was "unacceptable" to see my sadness ignited righteous indignation in me. Being 75% gin by that point was an accelerant. I demanded the right to have feelings in a bar because "I was recently bereaved??!?" ((I wasn't)) And so on. It's "NOT LIKE I WAS BEING UNREASONABLE or CaUsInG a ScENe!!!!!" Either way, the server was unkind. We grudgingly paid for being treated like wailing babies and left, but the letter I wrote the next day would be funny to find. I'll post it if it turns up. The point is: I didn't give the bar a bad rating, I emailed them to advise sensitivity training. They gave me a gift voucher. We drew a line. F U Alston Bar. Crying is FINE and that's FINAL. Pass the tissues, pls?

So yea, I hate ratings and I don't review anything in public forums full of baying plebs. Google. Trip Advisor. Etc. I'm old fashioned. I blog. I'll also tell people about places I recommend if asked, but otherwise I can't be bothered posting shit online about my dull life [... ..] or rating interactions I have with humans doing a job. Stop obsessively scrutinising people at their workplaces? Ya nutcases. How would you like it? Case study--Steven, from marketing: "The bar staff seemed bored and uninterested" REeAaallyyY?? Shocker, Steven. I'm sorry you had to experience that. I thought bar work would be thrilling, myself! The fly on the wall at Stevens work says he "coasts through meetings, wanks in the toilet, and watches TikTok for hours on company time". Do you like that, Steven? Just save your judgement. Nobody's perfect at work or anywhere else. [[[NOTE: I am a nutcase for going to war with a cocktail waitress. Yes, I am you Steven, and I love you anyways, but let's chill out hun]]]

Another fav: Variations on "The food was great!" Cool story bro!? People's vastly different tastes and expectations of food makes this utterly meaningless. How can I take your word for it, Steven? You only gave Pizza Hut 4 stars! I have to research you idiots giving reviews to see if all your opinions align with mine before I decide if your review for an unfamiliar place means diddly squat? I'd rather gouge my eyes out. It's time for ALL of us to get a life, or whatever we had back in 1999 before this reviewing bullshit began. Burn down the internet and let's try again. 

For my sins, I do regularly solicit feedback from my service users//captive audience to improve what I'm doing, but they'll tell me things unprompted also. Kids are insightful and honest. There's no numbers or stars involved. It's qualitative data and you get served straight-up. Thanks to them, I know I look like Where's Wally when I wear my "Tuesday" outfit.

What else are we rated on?

Looks wise, I reckon I'm a "6" or "6.4" =makeout on a good hair day. Stop this garbage!! Was it the beginning of whittling a person down to a score?

Goddammit! I tell taxi drivers in REAL TIME if they're pissing me off so they can change tack and they can *all* have 5 stars or -no rating- from me if they suck since this is the world we live in. Christ. Who does this to someone? Is it cos I made you wait for 3 minutes, dickweasel? You could have abstained on me! I was using a CANE ffs!

What am I supposed to do being 4.86? I'm uninstalling Uber and buying a motorbike. Research shows people are less motivated to cognitively engage with their errors if you condense their feedback into a tidy, meaningless figure. Fact. Can we use facts to improve our social experiences, please? Stop rating people, places, things with a nonsense number of stars you pulled out your ass and--if you must--give your feedback in words.

I AM 4.86? 

You are not a number. Close your eyes and repeat x 9 while imagining Rishi Sunak's face melting like a frosted cake in the sun. Yes, it's psychotic witchcraft I learned from being Joan of Arc. I'm cured of worrying about my numbers now but Rishi is fucked. He'll be stressing over how numerically unpopular he was, the balance of his offshore accounts, and the number of women with bigger penises than him for the rest of his life. I chose him as my Voodoo doll to avoid harming anyone since I'm an ethical witch and this represents no change in Sunak's circumstances. Soz bro. 

I'll tackle my thoughts on 'cancel culture' another day, but for today... 

FUCK RATINGS!

((HA--I'm still winning, Uber))

I am rating Uber: UNQUANTIFIABLY BULLSHIT, rapidly approaching infinitely bullshit as t-->♾️ 

Cut out the middlemen. I'm drafting a strongly worded letter to Uber executives, and I'll take it to the press if I have to. Let's see what the rest of the world's wannabe critics have to say on Uber?

Linda says 3.5? But she rounded up? Let the maths teacher check your work.... STILL WRONG!!! HAHAHAH

Hi Goarika, is this also the rating you'd give PRISON, for being "kind of safe"? GIVE 0 STARS, get off the app, and set yourself free!

John... an app has never been 5/5 and it doesn't need validation from you. Get off the internet--we all know Uber sucks, regardless of your individual experience. I figured it out in less than 4 years, you dolt.

Ishita, I don't know how to tell you this but... . . nevermind.. .. you're doing amazing sweetheart. Keep up the good work on Uber. I'm sure drivers not picking you up is a glitch, and if you fart in the car too then... solidarity.

Here's a 5/5 star album for times like these...

EARL SWEATSHIRT - I DON'T LIKE SHIT I DON'T GO OUTSIDE

"Good grief. I been reaping what I sowed. n**** I ain't been outside in a minute. I been living what I wrote." -- Earl S.

In words: Earl has helped me get through heavy rough patches--like today--and this album is close to my heart for that reason. In fact, I listened to it on repeat so many times in 2023 that it permanently fused with my DNA. Also, I.D.L.S.I.D.G.O. wins hands down for Best Ever Title of any album I'm aware of. I love. all. your. music. though., Sweatshirt, so thanks for sharing it with the world. ((Let me spell it out for you: each. word. is. a. different. album.)) <3 Putting on SOME RAP SONGS now.