How cool is Montaigne?

I've barely read anything by him but I can tell he's my kinda guy. 

He *also* retired from public life at age 38 to write his masterpiece(s), lolll. 

The world needs cultural critics to digest the piles of shite we're up against. Not sure if Montaigne is a cultural critic though or just an essayist... John Berger I like, but I've only half-read bits of his too. 

Am I an aspiring cultural critic? What tf is a blog for? In 2024? lmfao. Am I promoting myself by vomiting out thoughts and things I like? What am I doing? I know I am trying to reach a wider audience. What is the audience for this, exactly? I am an aspiring reader also. Maybe when my mind is empty, or at least QUIETER, I'll be able to read again, like when I was younger. For years all I've read to completion is academic journal articles and technical documents on the internet cos that's my idea of 'fun'. Otherwise I've been restless and have struggled to even watch films for ages, frustratingly, since I love films too. My internal transmit <==> receive ratio has been skewed towards SENDSENDSEND, and yes, I'm mentally stable now. I'm just bored. Or is it lonely? Or both? Like Jonathan Richmond I'm 'straight' mostly nowadays and not in love with the Modern World or how--in it--we spend more time behind screens than connecting irl. What an original piece of cultural criticism to launch my career. hahahaa. I know it's a choice to be looking at this screen looking at me.

This post can be a reminder for me to read Montaigne even though it only contains a link that tells you//me about his life. Paper in my hands hits different. Like a big bully I love bending the spine of a book until it cracks and submits to my viewing pleasure, and I dog-ear every page I want to revisit ((usually every other)), and I write all my questions and comments in the margins, and, and, and, basically don't ever lend me a book if you're a Pristine Condition kinda dude. Y'all make me laugh. I want to write a wildly successful toilet book dedicated to finicky MFers who keep everything mint + and I'll imagine them fastidiously trying not to get a speck of shit on it or open the pages past a 45 degree angle whilst I collect royalties with whichever hand isn't busy wiping my mint condition Golden Goose ass because I'll be a bigger literary celebrity than JK Rowling was before she came out as a bigot. Thanks be to God, in advance. He writes the best toilet books and I am merely 'the instrument', k? With God's help, I will topple The Bible from the charts. Or, if God doesn't want me to unseat his vanity project, then I'll at least crush the Book of Mormon (?) Joseph Smith was a psychotic guy with enough charisma to start a cult following and he's an inspiration in that sense, but his book sounds mehhh.

Fun facts: probably there are traces of excrement on all my books since I mainly read on the shitter and have explosive diarrhea roughly every 48-72 hours. So, don't borrow books from me either. I'd stay away from me in general if I were you cos I also barely everrrrr wash my hands with soap. I'm living proof soap is bullshit. There was misinfo being distributed about soap and the importance of finger-fucking yourself luxuriously to the tune of Happy Birthday TWICE (!) during our recent global pandemic, but if you've seen those "duck and cover" propaganda videos from the 50s then realise that handwashing was as protective as hiding under a desk from a nuclear warhead. Covid is airborne, dipshits. Who the fuck wants to hear that song twice in a year, never mind mentally rehearse it twice in a single depressing serving, hunched over a sink that has two taps, both at the wrong temperature. EAT SHIT, 'great' BRITAIN! I tried soap temporarily only due to health anxiety, but I'm over it now. As for other bacterial and viral threats I'm supposed to be mitigating by handwashing... bring it, you puny microbes//self-cloning robots... I've been fine my whole life without soap. Is my stance socially responsible to others? NO. But I can't with soap--OK? Dear reader, feel free to enjoy a Kama Sutra guided bubble bath with your hands 6--8 times a day if that's your kink, but I'm into other shit myself and I don't wash my hands afterwards. 

Nope, there's no manual for the kinda things that get me off, but if there was a virtual comparator to the NHS hand-job diagrams tailored to my taste it'd be Prince's album DIRTY MIND minus the song about incest. Soz if it's too late to be telling you all this info--feel free to return the books I lent you anytime, assholes.

Boldly striding into my "content creator//cultural critic//cloistered cos I'm literally a shitty guy" era

Here. Michel de Montaigne 

Also give DRUNKS WITH GUNS a chance to show you a good time, since I'm feeling patriotic today