Ever try to masturbate but find out you're too lazy?
Ever wake up at 1:41pm, and feel like you should go back to bed?
Ever smell your own breath and think: you stink?
Ever look inside a cockroach trap and think it looks like YOU?
Ever walk to Lidl, crying?
Ever laugh to yourself in an empty room, because you think you're funny?
Ever pay £700 for flights that cost £200 earlier and dream about sailing?
Ever email your factor about black mould, then realise you're the toxic one?
Ever jam with your pals and know they make your life amazing?
Ever give a guy your number and invite him to Kebabish for Christmas?
Ever wonder if you'll be stood up... on Christmas?
Ever think about going to church on Christmas, but then worry it won't end well?
Ever think you are your own hero? And find out that you ARE!
Ever try to make coffee, then pour boiling water on your hands?
Ever tell your mom not to call you cos you're "busy", but by "busy" you mean "blogging?"
Ever think about shooting lasers from your eyes every day since you were 5?
Ever tune your guitar to Drop C and cover Bob Dylan even though you hate him?
Ever hatefuck Dylan in your mind?
Ever start a blog 16 years ago, and return to it when you're ready?
Ever think you've peaked, but then realise you haven't yet?
***********^^^^@^^^*************
Things are looking up guys!
See also: "Merry Christmas"
Thanks Flipper & Dylan, for the inspiration... I could do that once a day every day and never tire of the prompt. Definitely I stretched it out far too long. Restraint is not my thing. I was having fun, OK?! It just felt good to keep going, even though I shot my load in the first 5 lines and within 60 sec of imagining Bob Dylan crying while I ride him and slap him around a bit.
Thought crime isn't illegal yet, is it?
See, as a renowned wanker and literary genius I knew my "Ever" lines above would have been more impactful if I'd kept them shorter. Didn't have to be trained at university to learn how to "do art", did I? I'm a natural. Art=wanking. I'd like an honorary doctorate from GSA, stat! Nominate me if you're alumni or on the board. Becoming "Dr." G would help with my credibility problem(s), even though we all know degrees in The Arts are meaningless toilet paper for the soul. I'd rather study The Dark Arts myself ((aka witchcraft)), if I could get a mulligan. Is GSA competitive with Hogwarts in that arena, or do I have to move to London... again!?
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No, no... ffs. I'm 39 years old. London is for youths or dead people. When I pass over, I'll haunt the cucumber building. I won't have to pay London Rent. I'll try Hogwarts and complete my London Bucket List once I'm dead. For now, I'm upskilling myself as a witch via free content on YouTube. That's purposeful activity. On the other hand, I don't want to lift a finger for the clout and access that a useless art degree confers. Notice how I have the insane hubris of an artist already! What other qualifications are there? Can you even begin to fathom the bogus verbose nonsense I will have printed in designer fonts on placards next to my "masterpieces"?? Can you? Omg, I can.
My pseudo-intellectual adventures in writing precede me. I am lead author "Harris et. al." -- you quoted some of my famous bullshit earlier at your gallery opening-- Yes-- *I* wrote the book on how to be a wanker//artist you bozos!! Geeze the PhD in Fine Fantastic Art already!! Don't make me get my dick out!! Some of us comedians are known for that. Not the good ones. But.. y'know.. I'm not accomplished at comedy, yet. I don't understand how jokes work, or how to write them. Art is different! Art is serious! I'm being seriously serious rn: Art Wanks, stop dangling your Turner prizes, Booker awards, Nobel prizes and the like out of my reach!??! Unless you're scared of the competition!
People who read my blog (?) You're on my team, right?!
Flush your art degree, unless I can have one too. Start a revolution! Say my name in the corridors of power of your pretentious intuitions and help me crash through the glass ceiling!! I will lead you ALL to the Promised Land of Art Everlasting as soon as GSA surrenders my honorary doctorate diploma. 2025 would be as good a time as any, GSA. Which discipline? Lol--discipline! Y'all just get pissed, drop acid, and jack each other off--be honest. That's why I'm qualified.
I've said already "Fantastic Art" is my top choice since "Fine art" is so mid, but I'll also accept your traditional "Performance Art" or "Life Artist" title if that one exists. GSA--are you reading this now--we can negotiate the details on a zoom call if you're agreeing with me, in principle? No way am I walking up that hill! You're not sure? Don't waste my time! Wait until I write a strongly worded letter to the board, or just link them directly to this. How old were you when you learned to wank? You didn't need to be taught, did you? I think I was 3 or 4 cos I was a precocious child. It'll all be covered in my memoirs. I've got this 'art' stuff in the bag. Let me be Dr. G, distinguished "Fantastic Art" practitioner and honorary alumnus of top-tier, fancy-ass GSA, or I'm taking my talent to GOLDSMITHS!
::sigh:: I guess I can go to Goldsmiths once I'm dead if my "negotiating a doctorate over a zoom call" idea doesn't pan out with them either. Cos it's in London, yea. Where I'll be ghosting around. What else is on my list? I haven't thought too far ahead on what I wanna do when I'm dead yet, but I'll deffo be pranking the fuck out of the Royals, duh! Mostly I'll stay out of politics; it's already spooky enough. GSA--you're still my top choice. Can you give me feedback to help me improve? Sure, good advice... . I'll think about editing my next book, or I'll draft in my wife to do that for me... but this is A BLOG! Lower your expectations!
<3 u art bros
So, I went back to listen to Flipper's "Generic" album again, obviously. How are you NOT listening to it everyday?
Nothing new to report, I guess. I've already posted the undefeated champion, but here's more Flipper I'd listen to if I were me:
FLIPPER - PUBLIC FLIPPER LIMITED
My ears got tired, Flipper. I needed a hard reset to THE BLUES, and it's a cool video:
"Serves you right to suffer. Serves you right to be alone" - John Lee Hooker
1969 JOHN LEE HOOKER TV PERFORMANCE VIDEO
& also
Sorry Bob Dylan for "everything" over the years. Congrats on the Nobel prize in poetry. If I could only read your words and not have to listen to you sing them or play music, then I think we'd get along fine. You had some great lines. Arrrghh.. guess I love you too, Dylan. In theory. I don't *get* the hype about you but it seems you gave a lot of yourself to your music and you reached so many people. Respect. I'm still gonna wind you up about how you suck, but I'll try to keep a lid on the other stuff.
Here's a song I'd like better if I covered it in drop C:
And randomly, cos the algorithm gifted me this gem after Bob Dylan to cheer me up, here's my favourite Bob. He was the first musical artist I ever knew, thanks to my dad. Awwww... Y'all know and love him already, but this isn't an "obscure music" blog! It's just whatever I want, k!?!
Bob Marley -- acoustic recording
It feels strange that I've outlived Bob Marley now, since he died age 36 from melanoma. One of the greats who died young. The 27 club obviously comes to mind, too. Guess we've all gotta go someday. At least Marley's music lives on. No one will ever be able to figure out how to take this blog down when I'm dead, so I'm immortalising myself here.
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